Modern dating is messy. Between ghosting, endless swiping, and the pressure to perform vulnerability on command, it’s easy to feel disconnected—even when you’re constantly “connected.”
In our latest episode of the UpLift Women’s Wellness Podcast, we sat down with Emily Kirkbride, LMFT—a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in attachment theory and relational repair. Together with hosts Bethany Busch and Auria Zahed, Emily unpacked the emotional toll of dating apps, the anatomy of intimacy, and what it really means to find a secure connection.
1. Dating Apps Changed Everything—Not Always for the Better
Post-2020 dating culture is fast, fragmented, and often emotionally unsafe. Emily describes it as a shift toward instant gratification and emotional detachment, where ghosting is normalized and depth is optional. One major loss? The “group mindset”—a social buffer that used to help vet potential partners through community.
2. Want Better Dates? Bring Back the Village
Emily encourages a return to organic, in-person connection—and not just for nostalgia’s sake.
Group dates after the first or second meetup allow your friends to observe how a potential partner interacts with others. Think of it as letting them be “interviewed by the village.”
Shared hobbies are underrated matchmaking tools. Whether it’s a dog park, pottery class, or community hike, meeting people in group settings builds connection through shared values —not just curated profiles.
3. Intimacy Isn’t Just Physical—And It Shouldn’t Lead
Healthy relationships develop across four levels of intimacy, and they need to rise together:
Social
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
When one level—especially physical—is rushed, it can stunt the others. Early sexual comments or advances often signal a boundary push, not genuine connection.
4. Validation Is the Glue That Holds Relationships Together
Validation isn’t about agreeing—it’s about acknowledging.
Saying “That makes sense to me” or “I can imagine what that would feel like” can shift a conversation from defensive to connected.
Validation creates emotional safety, which is essential for intimacy, repair, and long-term trust.
5. Know Your Attachment Style—And Look for an Anchor
Emily uses Dr. Stan Tatkin’s metaphors to simplify attachment theory:
Avoidant = The Island: Independent, emotionally distant, avoids vulnerability
Anxious = The Wave: Seeks reassurance, fears abandonment, struggles with boundaries
Secure = The Anchor: Grounded, emotionally available, steady in conflict
Whether you’re dating or deep in partnership, the goal is to find or become the Anchor—someone who’s calm, connected, and safe to love.
6. Long-Term Love Requires Two Things
If you’re looking for a partner who can go the distance, Emily recommends watching for:
Open, curious conversation—not just surface-level charm
The ability to repair—apologize, validate, and reconnect after conflict
As Dr. Tatkin says, in every disagreement, lead with: “I am for you.”
This phrase builds safety and reminds your partner that conflict doesn’t mean disconnection.
To keep the connection strong, Emily suggests routine rituals—like nightly check-ins or weekly date nights—to prioritize the relationship beyond the honeymoon phase.
